S3 Episode 04: The Green Light
uba’s assassin in athleisure wear
Christ, this is long! You are welcome? Or I am sorry? Whatever!
Thanks Retta, I’ve been secretly dreading this.
You never really know what you are in for when this show begins with an extremely loud “Staying Alive” needle drop, as Cory walks from his car into a random….venue? Warehouse? It’s also a really bizarre shot, focused on the lower third of Billy Crudup’s body, and the way he is holding his arms and hands is is giving Jack’s attempt at acting. If all that wasn’t enough, he throws open the venue door and says “My saving grace— where would we be without Retta?” And lo and behold, Retta is indeed here! I suppose this warehouse is located in like, 2015? No offense, I am pro Retta! But like…she is not exactly at her most relevant right now, you know? Anyway! This bonkers long tracking shot continues through the greenroom, where Bradley is leaning against a pillar in red pantsuit. I have actually never seen a shot from TV that looks as much like a play as this? It’s very weird, Cory says hello, she kind of nods at him, but says nothing, and he goes on to salute and thank some military men for their service. Also there are dancers who look like they are extras from a Real Housewives flapper party? Alex is in her dressing room, she rolls her eyes at him, then he plops down in a makeup chair. Tonally very strange, but bayyybe that is The Morning Show!
Even though Retta’s opening bit is about cancel culture, I have to give them props for remembering that uba+ has a show about the Donner Party, and though she does not call it by its name, it is important to note that it is Forlorn Hope. Stella swings by, (thrilled to report she is back in some athleisure!) griping about the fact that they have to do any of this. Remember the good old days of COVID? Would that upfronts could happen on Zoom! Cory tells her to buck up, then they both pause to watch Retta make jokes about slavery. “Wow. She’s amazing.” Stella says, without a hint of emotion. Stella is given her marching order to get the “Ellipse Boys” to commit to 300 million dollars in ad sales. She would like a Birkin and a raise if she pulls this off, which seems fair to me! But Cory is here with a big old bucket of harsh, cold water. If she pulls this off, everyone will be able to keep their jobs. You see, they need a loan now, because Paul dropped out of the deal and uba needs money ASAP. Then Cory practices the delivery of his planned onstage greeting: “Thanks Retta, I’ve been secretly dreading this.” It’s both hilarious and slightly chilling to watch him land the perfect smile.
Retta intros him like this: “And now the man behind the curtain! Some call him captain of the Titanic, others, Napoleon at Waterloo! I call him “The man who definitely did not cut the break lines in Mitch Kessler’s car,” please give it up for uba CEO, Cory Ellison!” I gotta give props where props are due: I laughed at that extremely dark joke!
Hopefully you were not actually interested in watching Cory and Retta banter, because we do not get to see that at all! As he walks onstage the screen goes bright white, as though he has walked directly into heaven, then he is back in the office, with Alex hot on his heels. She calls him Napoleon, which I hope sticks. She apparently has a docuseries that was not mentioned at upfronts. Does this mean they won’t be airing it?? Personally, I would like to know literally anything about this project she is working on! Let me see the woman do some journalism! But you see, there is no time for journalism, as Cory explains. uba’s financial situation? Well, “it is…dire, Alex.” She is shocked to hear this, and despite the fact that she has been wooing ad execs all morning, she agrees to use her “considerable super powers” (Her hair? Eyes that are as blue as the deepest lake?) tonight and keep wooing. God, her bravery knows no bounds! Of course, she then goes directly to Isabella and asks if she knows where Paul Marks is. She’s got her eye on a piece o’ Hamm, and she will be having it!
Bradley is on set, texting Noted Lesbian Laura Peterson, who looks stunning in the back of a car to somewhere. Over at NDN’s upfronts, it seems Bradley and Laura were the talk of the town, thanks to the hack. NDN got Fortune Feimster as their MC, which is a little bit closer to the zeitgeist, but still somehow wrong? Maybe they did it just so they could have a fellow dyke roast the hell out of Bradley and Laura? Because boy does she! We are treated to a slideshow of the Former Girlfriends in the News, who apparently had a live in photographer during their time in Montana. Notably, none of them are of the sexy video that Bradley made either, so one is left to wonder if that shoe will drop later in the season. But come on, we gotta talk about these images because!!!
First of all: Laura’s hat. Do I hate it? Yes, kind of! Is she pulling it off? Unfortunately: yes, kind of! Second: A goat? Are they at a petting zoo? Is Laura’s ranch a literal working ranch? If so: we need a spin off series featuring the staff immediately. And of course they went apple picking and took a Caitlin Covington ass photo. Gotta tell ya, this is making me QUITE mad that we were robbed of many episodes of Montana escapades! I feel like I should also note that Bradley makes a real wild series of faces while watching this clip, because it does not feel like a something a real person would do! Anyway, she calls Laura, because what else does a “gay, bisexual type” do after watching a slideshow of herself and her ex? “Who would have ever thought we were aspirational?” Y’all, everything about this call is weird— the fact that Laura suggests they design a line of bonnets, that Bradley says the word “Etsy,” the stilted way they communicate. My kindest interpretation is that they are trying to communicate the awkwardness of like, calling your ex and inviting her to party, but I simply do not think Reese and Julianna like each other! Laura is going to try to swing by Cory’s party later, but she has an NDN “skate party” (???) so she’s not sure she’ll make it. Then she has to go because she is running late for a Q&A about “legacy media in the digital age.” Madam, you are still in the car! You have time for a call!
Down at TMS, Chris wants permission from Mia to interview the train conductor from the subway shooting, and as luck would have it, they have time on Thursday after Awkafina. Good name drop! Important to note that Mia is wearing glasses and she looks extremely hot in them. Chris, if you can believe it, is not thrilled about going to Cory’s party later. I feel like she should get a pass from all PR stuff for…the foreseeable future tbh. Bradley breezes in, and tells Chris to “pack snacks” for the drive up to the Hamptons. “It’s a long ass drive.” Is that not the drive you just invited your ex to do, Miss Jackson? Thank God dykes will travel!
Mia has a lead on a story about a bombing in Mariupol, but the international desk won’t report on it because of “what happened to that French news crew.” She needs a fixer, someone who can get her photographer in. Bradley was in Ukraine in February, so Mia is hoping she has a connection. Bradley Jackson went to the UKRAINE? Why is this show hiding all the good stuff from me? Of course, our intrepid reporter has a guy! She also has some complaints about upfronts, namely that everyone seemed a lot more interested in “the dog with superpowers show” than they were in the Texas abortion documentary. When did she make that? Was that how she got connected with Luna? What do these women get up to when the camera is off? She gets ahold of her Ukraine contact, but alas! The language barrier! But what’s this? Mia speaks Russian! Well enough that I went on a hunt to see if Karen Pittman herself speaks Russian, but I could not find a source to confirm. Bradley has the same reaction as I did— literally saying “What?” when they hang up, and we learn that Mia’s father was stationed in Berlin in the 80s and she studied Russian. Now that they have their contact lined up, she calls Mysterious Hot Photographer. She will get him in, but she wants to make sure he doesn’t take any risks and stays alive.
And while she might be incapable of having chemistry with her own love interest via the phone, Bradley is well enough to clock when someone else has it. She gives Mia A Look, Mia smiles a little and tells her to knock it off as she gets back to work. Shocking how much I like Bradley when she is given one real interaction with a human person who she gets along with!
Meanwhile, Cory is having some sort of important bank meeting at a location that I can only imagine you are allowed to enter if you have a personal worth over 10 million. He’s trying to sell uba flopping as a “controlled dive,” and hoping these bank men will give him a loan, no matter what their ad revenue looks like. They will not, as it were, but they are down for a round of golf up in the Hamptons sometime, which is like the worst consolation prize ever. This at least gives Cory an opportunity to espouse his strongly held, somewhat inconsistent politics! Maidstone, is apparently his favorite antisemitic club. It’s a good burn—a great one even—but I don’t think it’s gonna help him land this huge loan!
“See this is the problem with New American: it’s the same menu. Petit filet, king salmon.” Welcome to the worst lunch on earth, featuring Stella and Ellipse Boys! Ellipse Boy #1 is unfortunately right about most New American restaurant menus, but trust me, it is the first and last time he will be right about anything. Ellipse Boy #2 is disappointed that they didn’t go to Carbone, likely because he is a fan of the VIP List girlies. Stella scoffs that Carbone is where you take your wife, and Ellipse Boy #1 makes some hack joke about his wife not eating carbs. Le barf! Then they hit on the waitress while ordering martinis. Watching Stella force herself to play their little games is awful, but Greta Lee is so good at playing her “one of the bros” role while also being deeply uncomfortable with it.
Now where has Madam Levy scurried off to? If you had “tracking down Paul” on your bingo card, well it’s your lucky day! She pulls up in a sick little Porsche convertible right as he is stepping out of his hotel. And while she did not hire an ex Mossad to stalk him, the assistant network of New York City is basically the same thing. It’s honestly kind of a delight to watch Alex actively charm someone! Lord knows I love when she is being a nightmare, but it’s always good to be reminded of the star power of Jen Aniston, when she deigns to turn it on. Paul, of course, has plans. “Are you seriously going to the YDA ice skating thing?” Well now I want to go! The “skate party” Laura was talking about was ICE SKATING? What??? While I beg to be invited to what is surely the wildest upfront gathering on the East Coast, Paul agrees to get in the car. Turns out the combination of her charisma and the staggering brightness of her eyes (seriously, the way they are color correcting those things!) is enough! Or maybe it’s the “suborbital surprise” she promises. Or the good point she raises about going to these parties while people are still sober. Which begs me to ask my favorite question: what time is is it?? The light would lead me to believe it is just past noon? How long are the good people at YDA going to be ice skating?
At Cory’s Hamptons Upfront Extravaganza, party prep is rolling along. It should be noted this house is technically gorgeous, but does not at all feel like a place where human people could or even would live. But then again, Cory lives there so that tracks! This scene seems to exist only for him to tell his event planner that they should move the raw bar out of the direct sunlight. (Emphasis mine.) “Salmonella isn’t sybaritic, Kendra.” Facts! I am currently wondering why the raw bar has whole lobsters atop it, like not even a tail? Who is doing that much work standing at a raw bar? Eating a lobster is for the sitting!
Stella is still having the worst and longest lunch with the Ellipse Boys, who are grilling her about uba+. Thank God she’s got Alex Levy, the savior of streaming! Apparently the unlucky women who have wed these two monsters love Alex, their book clubs read her memoir. In a surprising twist, Ellipse Boy #2’s wife thought Alex should have ended up with Chip Black, a sentence no human has ever uttered even once on earth. I’m sorry, am I supposed to buy that the wife of an ad exec knows who the hell Chip Black is? I reject it! Bless her, Stella ignores that lunatic statement and trots out the America’s Sweetheart thing. Ellipse Guy #1 points out that she seemed a lot less sweet in Maggie Brener’s book. “Maggie took her shot, no one gave a shit. Where is she now?” Ooookay Stella, you know I love you, but we have seen hide nor hair of Maggie Brener yet, so let’s keep her name out of your mouth until I see that gloriously condescending maniac on my damn screen! She gets me back on her side when she spouts some business nonsense that sounds pretty much right to me! “Scandals get clicks.” Speak on it! The worst men in the world seem impressed, but need another round to think it over. Look, I can toss them back with the best of ‘em, but straight martinis? I would be dead and certainly incapable of making an intelligible sentence. It seems Stella is thinking what I am thinking, and on her way to the bathroom slips the waitress some cash and asks that her martinis be a lot less gin and whole lot more water. Smart play!
“I am setting a 90 minute timer, and then I am gone. I will swim back to Manhattan if I have to.” Chris is sounding a lot like me at parties I don’t want to go to, tbhQUITEh. Mia refuses to be left alone in “this palace of sadness,” which is…so funny and so brutal. Poor Cory! So alone! Chris is like yeah, this place does scream I am fine with the fact that Bradley Jackson doesn’t love me, doesn’t it? Speaking of! Bradley is sauntering in with her standard issue bisexual leather blazer, ready to schmooze some money out of the suits. Look at her, ready to work for once in her life!
Where on earth as Madam Levy taken Paul? Why, Coney Island of course! Perhaps this is how you charm a billionaire, perhaps this is just a tactic to get laid, either way, I support it. Especially since it gives us a wee peek into Alex Levy backstory! She worked at Astroland for a summer after turning down an internship at The New Yorker?? What a life Alexandra Levy has led! Paul wants to know if this is just a walk down memory lane, because he has rockets to launch and probably wants to emotionally top Cory some more. But Alex wants to apologize for dipping out of the space flight, assuring Paul that it wasn’t about him, it was about uba and Cory. He doesn’t really care, the deal is off the table anyway, that ship has sailed! Alex blinks up at him, fidgets with her hair a bit, then says “Well. Has it? I mean—you’re here.” EH OH EL. Point to you madam! Paul is like I am only here because you kidnapped me you tiny lunatic woman but she just murmurs “Hmmmm” and smiles up at him with those color adjusted baby blues. I am still shook by their chemistry tbh! The Morning Show has been many things over these three seasons, but horny…not so much. Like even when they try, I am usually left cold, but this? This is the shit I do like.
Finally, the suborbital surprise is revealed, and while it is not a blow job, I am still not ruling that out! It’s the Astro Tower, which, I gotta hand it to her, is kinda funny. He grumbles about waiting in line, she calls him moneybags, he scoffs “Oh, like you do your own grocery shopping?” and I am rubbing my little hands together with glee. Gimme these two bantering about being rich! As they get on, he snarks about her skipping his rocket for this, and she laughs and says “regrets, I’ve had a few!” Sorry, I love them??
Cory’s Hamptons Upfront Extravaganza is in full swing, and Bradley is talking to some group of dudes about her insurrection piece, sounding just a bit tired and a lot bored. Like a gay shark in the water, Noted Lesbian Laura Peterson pulls her away, looking stunning in a charcoal blazer over a pink collared shirt. She wears light pink shockingly well for a white woman! Bradley is thrilled to have a moment of light flirting with her ex, and I am thrilled to get more details on the YDA Skate-A-Thon. “Audra drunk on ice is a lot,” Laura sighs. Let us all remember that Audra is canonically Mindy Kailing, and have a laugh. Also? Laura wanted to see Bradley. They gaze into each other’s eyes for a moment. Again I just feel like Juliana is doing such good work as believable lesbian, and Reese just….I’m sorry, she can’t give what is supposed to be gave here! Mia saunters by— she looks stunning, but she is also in a semi big coat, which forces me to wonder what the temperature is? I mean, wind off the ocean will cool ya down, but is it that cold? Also what time is it???? Anyway, Bradley asks if mysterious hot photographer is okay, and Mia is still waiting on word. Laura drops that YDA is also working on a piece about the hospital bombing, “but at this point, who knows anything?" Mia’s face says I know this bitch did not just tell me she is sniping our story while at my boss’s house but she cheerily tells Laura she an’t wait to see their coverage before floating off, probably to start swimming back to Manhattan with Chris. Because she is a perfect person, Laura asks Bradley if she wants to go “explore the king’s lair.” Bradley says no, likely because she is (rightly) concerned that she will find the shrine that Cory has no doubt dedicated to her. But Laura sneaks off anyway, and after a moment, Bradley follows.
The world’s worst lunch is still happening, much to mine and no doubt Stella’s irritation. She is the home stretch of her pitch, throwing out streaming numbers, and analytics. Ellipse Guy #1 doesn’t give a shit about the numbers, he simply wants to fuck with her. He doesn’t believe her tolerance, and Ellipse Guy #2 tries to grab her drink to test it. She tries to play them off — “COVID”— but he won’t let go and the drink spills everywhere. The waitress scurries over to clean it up, but Ellipse Guy #1 wants her to leave it. Maybe she can help them solve this little puzzle. Does she think there is gin in there? He thinks the two of them been working together, and he says it with such a smug little smirk I just want to push him into traffic. Stella tries to lock in a rate and move on—she’s got to get to the Hamptons, you know. Ellipse Guy #1 says he’ll close at 150K per spot…IF the waitress licks up the drink. FUCKING YIKES MY GUY! “You buy something for me, I buy something for you.” Stella counters with 200K per spot. He agrees and adds a 20K tip for the waitress. Greta Lee does some great work here as she decides to go along with it, and the way you can see her trying to convey how sorry she is via her eyes is truly incredible. The waitress hesitates for a second, but does it, while Ellipse Guy #1 murmurs “Thatta girl.” It is…really fucking upsetting! It’s interesting that the waitress is Asian American— and that is clearly part of the reason Ellipse Guy thinks they teamed up on him. It’s a good, dark scene, and Greta knocks it out of the park, as always. It’s just always a little strange when this deeply silly show gets serious—quite a jarring tonal shift! In the car to the Hamptons, Stella texts Cory through tears that she scored the deal, then throws her phone down. That’s a rough day babe!
Hey, remember Stephen Fry? He’s still here, and he’s chatting with Chris— they haven’t had a moment to connect since Sybil left, can you believe that! He wants her to know “it’s a whole new world at uba” and also he wants her to…make sure their ad partners know that. Chris wants to know where all the money they are raising today is going. Is it perhaps going to the handle the pay equity issues at uba? Stephen Fry assumes she’s talking about her own contract, but Chris is a real one! She wants to know how their going to make it right for staff. And you know, since “Jemima-gate” (LOL) Chris has gained a pretty healthy social media following. Would be interesting to know what they think about all this, wouldn’t it? Stephen Fry assures her he is going to raise it at the next board meeting, then zooms away, fully flustered. Get his ass Chris! Also, not to be an absolute whore, but Jesus Christ she looks stunning.
The Coney Island flirt a thon is continuing with a casual game of skee ball and stories of wilderness reform camps and having a camera in your face while you have COVID. Alex challenges “Marks” to a pinball match. If she wins, he re-engages with uba. “What happens if I win?” he asks. She will fuck you! DUH! Paul has a question— and its one I have had many many times over the course of this show. Why the fuck does Alex still care about uba? She could do pretty much anything she wants, why is this the sinking ship she wants to go down with? She loses the game, and the way this man tugs her out of the way by her belt loop? I am simply weak in the damn knees! Oh, she’s still fighting for uba because she thinks she owes them something, and she wants to finish what she started wayyyy back in S1 when Bradley had brown hair and they went off on air. Paul doesn’t really buy it (me either, tbh) and he beat her score. Why don’t they just enjoy the day? Whew boy the way that Alex is looking up into that man’s eyes like she is seconds away from climbing him like tree!
Laura and Bradley have made it to “the king’s lair,” and Laura is happy to see that Bradley is feeling better since the leak of her sext. She also notes it’s strange that everything else got leaked, but that somehow did not? Bradley admits that she thinks Cory paid them off— uba’s cyber guys did get in touch with the hackers, but she’s not really sure. Girl…what??? How could you not confirm that? How could you walk around thinking that there was a still a chance that could leak? Laura makes a face that basically agrees with me and says “Well..that was…nice of him” before moving on to test his bed and note that they are reading the same book. Bradley notices that his bed is the one from the Archer Gray, which is an incredibly funny and on brand detail. Laura thinks Cory misses having Bradley right down the hall, and just like that, Bradley’s walls go up. Clearlyyyy hitting a nerve there! They should go back down the party, people will wonder where they are. Laura tries to apologize, then sighs as she realizes she lost her chance to fuck her ex in her boss’s bed. Tough go of it babe!
Meanwhile, Chris finds Yanko at the bar and is in desperate need of a drink. She refers to herself as the “Rosa Parks of Legacy Media” and he’s like “I’m the illegal alien cleaning the office at night.” HUH? Then her orders two shots of tequila for the “tokens.” …I will literally never understand his deal, and I just have accept that. He also tells her that uba is broke and that he doesn’t want to see her get dragged into “the culture wars.” Okay! I guess! There is a weird transition to demonstrate that time has passed and night has fallen, but to be clear, I still have no idea what time it is. Mia has finally made contact with mysterious hot photographer. He is safeish—below ground, but the Russians are bombing and shooting civilians in the street. He sends the pictures over but asks that they not run them til he’s out of harms way. Fair!
Stella has finally made it, and woweeee the way I would be lying in the gutters after the day she just had! This is probably why I do not run a news division. Cory is thrilled to see “uba’s assassin in athleisure wear,” which is an awkward line that could have been avoided by dropping the “wear.” It’s cleaner! Stella’s response? “You live in a fucking terrarium.” Cory reads the vibe—her “I just stopped crying” face, most notably, grabs some drinks and explains that she saved the day, employees will not be laid off, and that uba can live to fight another day. Their relationship is so interesting and weird, I love it more than I probably should. But who is lurking in the corner? Fred Micklen! How the fuck did he get here??!
Alex and Paul’s date is winding down via funnel cakes, a food I refuse to believe Alex Levy has ever ingested in her life. The vendor clocks her, and calls her a “cock tease” because Mitch is dead and he still has to watch her on the news. Paul is ready to BRAWL with this dude, which I should not find hot but…SORRY. “Strangers take a lot of shit out on me,” Alex says. “It’s part of the job.'“ Does anyone else still find it weird to watch Alex react to things in an emotionally regulated way? Where are the whines and moans and groans!
Over at Cory’s Hamptons Upfront Extravaganza, Fred Micklen is negging Cory’s real estate, his relationship with Paul and, as the final twist of the knife—he’s going to be the one keeping on eye on the loan. If they take the loan, Cory will have to run everything by Fred. “You’ll be wearing golden handcuffs when I fuck you.” Jesus! Fred, why do you care about this place so much! Get a fucking life my guy! The look on Cory’s face is just…utter devastation and I am sorry but I feel bad for my dude!
How is Stella coping, you might ask? Not well! She’s talking to Mia about the hospital bombing piece. When Mia says she wants to hold the photos until mysterious hot photographer is out of danger, Stella is like uhhhh he’s a freelancer, he knows the risks, who cares if he gets killed but also it’s your story so I guess if you want YDA to beat us that is up to you! Not doing great there, are we?
Noted Lesbian Laura Peterson finds Bradley and brings her an apology drink. Bradley is fine, she’s just been thinking about about what happened between them. And she;s thinking about “being with you.” “I’m not asking for any of that,” Laura says, a sentence that would devastate me, personally. Bradley is also thinking about how miserable she was in Montana, then Laura says she wanted to be close to Bradley and I for one have no idea how I am supposed to feel about this. Am I rooting for them to get back together? I mean, I guess, though their chemistry is worse than ever! Thankfully Cory swings by berate Bradley for not getting more ad money, clearly acting out after that horrible chat with Fred. Laura, bless her, reads the room and dips. Once again, Cory mentions the murder cover up and Bradley gets her ass back to working the room.
Mia calls mysterious hot photographer, but he doesn’t pick up. She sighs, then calls Gayle and tells her to run the photos. The news waits for no one!!!
“You know the beautiful thing about the human body is its capacity for survival. You can lose 40% of your blood. Still keep going.” Cory manically tells Stella. They are in a room that is mostly wine storage but contains a mysterious element that I literally thought was a bathtub, but is just a weirdly shaped bar. As usual, Stella is like what the fuck are you talking about, didn’t we just get an 8 billion dollar loan? Cory is forced to explain the Fred complication, which means they can take the loan. Stella is pissed, because she just had the worst afternoon of her life for nothing!
Our final needle drop of the night is “Truth Hurts” which of course they could not have predicted the Lizzo of it all, but boy it is funny! And who is that, landing their whirlybird on the beach and exiting in slow motion? “Un-fucking-believable. Alex Levy brought home the kill,” Cory mutters.
Inexplicably Famous Guest Stars, Ranked:
RETTA: 4/10: I love her, but I need some more oomph here! If this is the best image I can pull then we have work to do!
NECKLACE WATCH
No necklace for Alex this week! What does it mean!
Thank you for giving that belt-loop moment the attention it deserves. 🔥 I rewound to watch it THRICE. No notes.
Forever entertained by your commentary on Bradley and Laura's chemistry. I genuinely cannot believe that they skipped all of Montana in their time jump, and honestly, I hope there are flashbacks in this week's episode because I want to know what happened while they skipped around Laura's ranch and picked apples and what not.