S3 Episode 03: White Noise

UBA Leaks Dot Com!

In retrospect, my all caps HOLLAND TAYLOR bit means that this recap could read like I am literally calling Holland Taylor herself racist, and I do regret that a bit. Not enough to like, change it, but just saying! HOLLAND TAYLOR is a bit, Holland Taylor is real actor. Let's go!

Maybe uba is a plantation— just with dental insurance.

If the title of the episode and the fact that it opens with Mia didn’t clue you in, allow me to do so now: we’re talking about Racism In America™ today. Buckle your seatbelts! Also, there is not a single moment of Bradley Jackson in this episode, make of that what you will!

Mia starts her day with a routine that I think we are supposed to find very regimented but still inspiring? The most interesting part of this moment of table setting is when she gets on set and sits on set, in the teacup. Does she want to be on air talent? That has never really felt like something she wanted in seasons past, but I don’t put much past the minds behind this show. Personally, I think she kind of like, basking in her power? Whatever, it’s literally not that interesting, and doesn’t come up again, why am I going long on this!

Especially when the thing I should be going long on is June Diane Raphael as a conservative news host! Mia watches her from the control room, where JDR is reporting for “Eagle News” (egregiously on the nose network name). What is she reporting on, you ask? Why, the leaked documents from the uba hack, of course! I watched JDR’s delivery of the line “I don’t know about you, but I live to search ubaleaks dot com for my daily drip drop of their embarrassments.” It is a masterclass in acting, comedic timing and being hot.

This one is for the girls and the gays!

Honestly, any other show would have likely set up one, maybe two things that could be hell for a media network if they were to be leaked. But this is The Morning Show babe! We’ve got at least twenty characters with secrets to keep! Cory’s scary fix it guy, Earl swings by his office with a printout of “one days worth of liability” that hits his desk with a thud, like many needle drops on this show. Bro, ever heard of a PDF? Whatever secret lies within in powerful enough to make Cory call Paul and agree to his original offer. Paul wonders about the board— will they be happy getting less of a payout? Cory screams FUCK EM!!!!!!!!!!! and hangs up. Or he says “Leave that to me,” in a very regular voice. He tells Earl to pull the trigger. Another murder? After what he and Bradley went through? Well, let’s say it: he’s always had a murdery vibe, our Cory.

Down at TMS, Alex is truly being punished. Talking about dating app photos at like, 8:30AM? Hard pass! This is just another moment to remind us that Alex is the saddest divorcee in all the world, as Chris (sidebar: everyone on the show calls her Chris, I am sticking with it, if only to avoid typing my own goddamn name every three seconds) tells the story of how she and her husband met. Props to her husband, because sending Tiffany blue Nike Dunks is the move of a king. As Alex slithers off set, Chip tries to make some joke about how sad dating app pictures are and she goes “I know— not everyone can find love in their bosses apartment.” Sorry Chip, she does get to make fun of you forever about this! You were about to fuck in her home!!

Alright, everyone ready for Race Talk™? Thankfully, JDR is here to intro it to us! Among the many emails leaked in the hack is one where HOLLAND TAYLOR referred to Chris as Aunt Jemima. Hate to say it but….it tracks!!! Again, the glee within JDR is delivering these little bits is incredible. Upstairs, Cory asks Kyle to put the wheels in motion to like, kill HOLLAND TAYLOR but via board machinations. Oh, also, he wants to talk to Chris.

Chris is currently in her dressing room, reading the comments on an Eagle News article and I literally wanted to kick the door down and be like “NO COMMENTS YOU ARE ON TV.” It’s just like..the first rule! Don’t read the comments! Cory’s office calls— also it’s weird that she has his office in her phone as “Cory Ellison’s Office”? Maybe it isn’t? I can’t recall the last time I had a non cell phone number in my phone or received a call from like, a landline. ANYWAY.

Stella bops down to Mia’s office (still loving that they are pals!) with a report from the email. The basic gist is this: HOLLAND TAYLOR was pissed that the network paid so much for Chris’s two year contract (less than Bradley got, it must be noted!) and someone said that Chris was “popular enough to be on cereal boxes” due to being an Olympian, and HOLLAND TAYLOR responded “Aunt Jemima was on cereal boxes too—and no one is buying her anymore.” Huh. Aside from the fact that Aunt Jemima was not, in fact, on cereal boxes (something we will actually return to later, if you can believe it) I find this to be a confusing turn of phrase. But then again, I worked in academia for long enough to know that people of the HOLLAND TAYLOR generation do just be writing theeeee wildest shit in emails. As ever, we press onward!

Onward is Chris doing the march of the damned to Cory’s office. She is in a banging look, props for her. She walks in to Cory’s office and says “I’ve never been up here before.” WHAT? Alex and Bradley saunter in there like they are hot desking and Cory’s office is up for grabs! These white women simply MUST be stopped! Cory does the corporate thing— aka give Chris a bunch of money and make sure she understands that dealing with this publicly is not the “preferred” course of action. She barely had a second to take that in before he’s like okay that’s all, see ya later and don’t let the door hit you! Chris, naturally, has a light breakdown in the elevator. Who wouldn’t!

Girl I feel you, I really do!

HOLLAND TAYLOR is in the conference room where she has asked Alex to meet her. It seems HOLLAND TAYLOR thought Alex would come to her rescue in this moment, a bit of white woman solidarity. Well did she ever think wrong! This is Alex Levy! Noted white ally! HOLLAND TAYLOR wants Alex to interview her at Bradley’s apartment slash the set of Alex Unfiltered but Alex wants nothing to do with it. HOLLAND TAYLOR tries the threaten Alex with the scary prospect of Cory with even more power, but Alex ain’t buying it! “It’s funny how now all of the sudden it becomes about sisterhood and solidarity, cause you need something.” Literally one of the more wild things to come out Alex’s mouth in a while, considering the person that she is! But god help me that is why I love her, self serving and sanctimonious as she can be! HOLLAND TAYLOR will not be cancelled over this! “It happens to the best of us,” Alex smirks. Then waltzes out. Unfortunately this is iconic behavior.

Chris is in bed with her husband, not sleeping. He reminds her that she has to get up early. That is the end of the scene. Didn’t need it, tbh!

The world’s worst brain trust (Cory, Alex, Chip and Stella) are discussing HOLLAND TAYLOR’S request to go on the Emmy winning Alex Unfiltered. Alex doesn’t really want to do it, but she thinks the statement from the network was bullshit and “this has to be addressed and we’re the only ones who can do it. Period.” Cory is hard no on “daughters of the confederacy” speaking on uba+. I gotta hand it to him, because while I assume the true north of his moral compass is like, money + power, once he decides he hates someone, it is on. I mean, I know he just wants to kick her out for more board power so the deal can go through, but still. Remember how much he hated Mitch? Iconic of him!

Stella wants to know how Chris is (correct) and says that she can understand why HOLLAND TAYLOR wants to speak her piece. (Less correct.) Alex, suddenly the bastion of white allyship (?????) says that Chris was professional as always, and should not have to deal with this. “It’s our mess to clean up.” Who the hell is this woman! Chip is perplexed that Cory doesn’t want to cash in on this hot story, but Stella reminds him that they are still trying to win trust back after all that Mitch Kessler wrought upon them. He relents, finally, but he wants final approval and if it is a “circle jerk,” then they won’t air it. This scene is worth it only for Alex sputtering “circle jerk??”

Down in TMS control, Layla is going through more data from leak— namely employee records. Chris isn’t the only one being lowballed, they all are. I think she means black employees, but she calls Rena over to share this information, so maybe it’s all the junior staff? Layla rants about how people only care about racism now that it happened to Chris as the rest of the junior staff gather around and gasp at her monitor. Not be like, a corporation girlie, but…duh? I am simply having a hard time believing that people who work in this job are like, scandalized by pay inequity? Maybe it’s the shock of seeing the figures? Anyway, Mia gathers Layla to review copy and ask her what exactly is going on. The performance reviews were bad enough, but now people only care about “the inequality that is baked into this place” because something happened to a rich and famous person. Sorry, but again I must say: duh? Apparently the whole staff might be…gone tomorrow? Mia hops on a call with Stella and is like Girl the chickens are organizing, we gotta do something.

Sadly, the thing they do is have an all hands on the set of TMS, where they encourage people to share their feelings with no structure or neutral third parties. Bad! Idea! Stella and Mia are all this is a safe space, feel free to speak up, no one will retaliate. Layla isn’t buying it, Cory and HOLLAND TAYLOR aren’t there to hear what they have to say, so what, eggzackly is the point? Julia lays out the facts: no one really cares about what they have to say, and whenever black talent is vocal about the problems at TMS, they are told to shut the fuck up or leave. Let’s all take a minute to pour one out for Daniel, shall we?

Screaming, she wants to kill him so bad!

Guess who wants to push back on that? Fucking YANKO, of course. He starts with “race is a fiction, and it’s being weaponized, we all know that.” Karen Pittman deserves an EGOT for the line read of “Uh, do we? Do we all know that?” Yanko goes an insane rant about “checking diversity boxes” that ends with asking what they would do if they found out Alex was black? Alex is like please shut the fuck up you incredible idiot and keep me the hell out of this. Julia, for some reason says “he’s got a point,” which, to be clear, he does not! If Alex’s great grandfather was black and she still looked like Jennifer Aniston then she would not have to deal with being treated like she was black, because she…is not?? Chris leaves the minute he says “the wokeness isn’t helping,” because why on earth would she listen to this former flop weatherman? Mia tries to prove that they are taking this seriously, but…she doesn’t crush it. Chris asks why she doesn’t have a producer yet. That is shocking, what do you mean she doesn’t have her own producer? How long has she been here? Mia, you know I love you but like, what is going awn!!!

Thankfully, Stella drops by Mia’s office and basically asks her that exact question. A lot, actually! Every few episodes, they give Karen Pittman a monologue that she absolutely slays. “Keep the show lean and mean, do more with less, get creative. Win the fucking ratings war. Sleep in your office if that’s what it takes. Cause that is, what it takes, to keep the lights on during a pandemic…How fucked up is it, Stella, that I am supposed to running the machine and I’m a goddamn cog.” Well then! I cannot deny the woman anything here, she has been tasked with course correcting a sinking ship ever since Chip got fired wayyyy back in season one. I just wish they let her…do something about it? Just like, narratively, it’s rather frustrating that Mia is left to truck along here. Stella has the solution: a lot of drinks on uba’s tab. And they’re gonna call Chris!

Except Chris is currently at home, lying on the floor and treating herself to a good mope. Respect, girlie! She has the beginning of an interesting argument with her husband about why she took this job, but it is interrupted by—what else—Alex. The way this woman is addicted to just showing up at people’s homes! Upstate New York, Connecticut, Italy—there is no place on earth that is safe from one Alexandra Levy. They make the bold and weird choice to not show the conversation that Chris and Alex have here, which is a shame— they have an interesting dynamic and I imagine we would have learned a lot about both of them. Alas!

Cory is having dinner with Stephen Fry, ranting about a perfect veal marsala and how he kind of feels bad eating it, but it is just do damn good! “Let’s cut the shit, Cory. Why am I so far uptown?” asks Stephen Fry. Great question! Now that HOLLAND TAYLOR’s email has been leaked, would he happen to know how the rest of the board is feeling about Paul’s offer? Obviously, the board is not thrilled by the whole racial scandal storm they have to weather now, and more to the point? Cory thrives on chaos, and the rest of the board does not. “With that said of course, I would support Mussolini if he brought me a deal from Paul Marks.” Okay then! Despite this, Stephen Fry doesn’t quite trust Cory enough to get this deal through with the rest of the board, and also his dad was a “bin man” so he didn’t have to be a bin man. “Either you clean up your own mess, or you get the fuck out of the way.” Cory fixes him with his best determined shark glare. Whatever Cory wants, Cory gets!

Over at one of the largest bar slash clubs I have ever seen, Mia and Stella are taking their “let’s get drunk” task rather seriously. Bradley is calling Mia (we never learn about what) and the face Mia makes as she shows Stella who is calling is what I can only describe as art. “Does she want her white guilt assuaged?” Stella asks. LOL probably! Mia knows Bradley means well but she can’t handle her after Yanko’s genealogy lesson. Remember when he punched a racist dude in the face for Stella? Yes, well, they do too and admit it was kind of hot, and that Yanko himself is kind of hot, despite being problematic. Whatever floats your boat, y’all!

Hooting and hollering!

But guess who else is at this bonkers bar? Kyle, Cory’s gay assistant! Stella is going to get the tea, and Greta Lee’s performance of slightly drunk boss accosting an underling is quite funny. As they leave, Stella drops what she learned: Cory is having a secret meeting with the board. He doesn’t care about making changes at uba, he just wants to win! They’re just pawns! Mia, quite rightly, points out that she might be a pawn, but Stella is in the game, she’s the damn director of the news division! Why is she taking HOLLAND TAYLOR’s side? Remember last week, when Stella looking meaningfully at that photo of her and Paul? They used to work together, and they have a history. A not good one, given her worries about him buying uba, but she is quick (maybe too quick?) to insist it was “nothing like that.” Chris rolls up in an incredible cropped jacket, and she wants to interview HOLLAND TAYLOR on TMS. Well, she doesn’t want to, but someone should, and if they are gonna do it, it should be her. “Think of the ratings.”

OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!!! Cory tells Stella the next morning in his office. TMS is not hosting this fucked up version of Obama’s beer summit! Okay, I laughed at that, I confess. But Stella came prepped for this, (her lack of hangover is impressive!) and calls him out. Leaking an embarrassing email to vanquish his enemy on the board? Casually weaponizing 400 years of racism to get a deal through? Oop! Cory pretends to be offended that she caught him, but is also kind of clearly proud she did? They have such a weird dynamic, I love it so much.

At Casa de Lulu Levy, HOLLAND TAYLOR is panicking about the interview, which I guess means it is happening. Again, Alex is weirdly the voice of reason here, prompting me to ask who the hell this woman is and what she had done with the Alex Levy we all know and love. “It’s time for you to stop behaving like some fragile white woman.” Props to HOLLAND TAYLOR for nailing every single extremely white woman reaction, including but not limited to “could you have survived the 70s?” “I would never undermine another woman at work!” and “eighty years of all that we built is just wiped out by a thoughtless email?” Uh….yeah babe, that’s how consequences work! Noted White Ally Alex Levy informs her that she, you know, did actually pay a black woman less than a white woman for the same job, so yeah, she’s gotta deal with it. This could be her chance to own it and redefine it! Take a page from Lisa Rinna and OWN IT BABY!

White Ladies Race Summit 2023

The next day, we get to watch Alex and Yanko’s gorgeous transition from a story about identical twins who reunited “after a chance run in at the Cider Days pie eating contest” to “a conversation about race in America.” Even better? The second they cut, they both collapse onto the desk. “Fucking tough pivot, Jesus Christ.” I don’t know about y’all, but I am laughing! In a dressing room somewhere, HOLLAND TAYLOR is getting some last minute prep from her team. It’s only a four minute segment! She can do this! It should be noted that one the members of said team is Enid Wexler from Legally Blonde (2001). Do you think she and Holland stayed close after the movie? I hope so!

In her own dressing room, Chris is getting a pep talk from her husband. She is understandably worried about how she is going to come off— the fear of looking like an angry black woman beating up an old white lady all too real. Marcus tells her she can do this, Mia is gonna be in her ear, and he’ll be there too. He drops a kiss on her head as she pops in some pump up music. “Money, Power & Respect” is an incredible pull and a song I actually believe Chris would listen to. She gets a nice little slow motion walk to set, and I’ll say it: it’s quite cunty! Alex pops up to nod respectfully at Chris, at which point I am like we get it, Alex is the ultimate ally! Good god!

Then the real party begins! Well, not for HOLLAND TAYLOR. She starts out decent, with her prepared remarks about the inadequate statement uba released, and how she is deeply sorry for what she said. Chris wants to set the record straight. “You know Aunt Jemima was on boxes of pancake mix, not cereal, right?” Told you it would come back! Chris would also like to know what brand she is helping uba sell. HOLLAND TAYLOR is still mostly on the ball, at least enough to get a dig in a Cory for his “faltering” leadership, (Mia and Stella have a little giggle about that the control room) and how she has a duty to step in. How can HOLLAND TAYLOR win back the trust of the employees here? No one should be surprised to hear that getting this trust back will start with a “dialogue” between uba employees and the board. While I battle flashbacks of my days in academia and the many, many useless diversity and inclusion meetings, Chris asks if HOLLAND TAYLOR thought she wasn’t qualified to do this job. HOLLAND TAYLOR clumsily works her way around to an answer that is pretty much “yes,” nicely teeing Chris up to ether her. “Were you aware that I was Q tested more than any other person who has ever anchored the show? That I had to have eight different approval meetings in addition to the strategy discussions about my hair? And I still found time to spend weekends with four former anchors developing my on air skills?” BLOOP! Gagged her a bit!

Gotcha!

HOLLAND TAYLOR can see her downfall coming, but she also can’t help herself. Who among us hasn’t said something in an email they regret? This excuse is always a personal favorite of mine, whenever it gets trotted out. I just don’t have that hard of a time not saying racist shit in emails? Like, not to brag, but it literally never occurs to me! Chris is ready for her, asking if being casual about the fact that employees of color have been systematically devalued is really the move. They’re supposed to cut to commercial, but Mia knows the ball is about to drop, and orders Donnie to push in on HOLLAND TAYLOR. “Keep pushing until I see her pores.”

“You have understand, we don’t give this opportunity to just anyone. Anyone who sits in that chair has to be grateful—” HOLLAND TAYLOR is giving a Velma Kelly act of desperation here, and whew boy it is delicious to watch. Chris of course, takes issue with the word grateful, and HOLLAND TAYLOR doesn’t make things better when she argues that they should focus on moving on from exploiting racial divisions. You can literally hear the Mortal Kombat FINISH HIM as Chris says “That’s every climate, wouldn’t you say?” While HOLLAND TAYLOR sputters for a response, Chris turns to camera and twists the knife. ”But yes, we will move on from institutional racism after this break.” AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!

Julia speaks for all of us!

Nicole Beharie is fucking phenomenal in this scene, the weary, bone deep exhaustion she shades this performance with feels so immediate and real. It should be noted that in real life, after Nicole was killed off Sleepy Hollow in season three, she was blacklisted and labeled problematic by Hollywood. Methinks she is pulling quite a lot from life here! Already she has been given a lot more narrative weight than I thought she would get on this deranged program, I just wish she didn’t have to like, Be The Voice of Issues, you know? It’s especially weird given how hard they are bending over backwards to make sure that we know that Alex is a Good White Lady, despite two season of her being the biggest nightmare known to man.

“That was a crash and burn,” HOLLAND TAYLOR says through tears to Enid Wexler. Girl you can say that again! Cory calls Mia to both congratulate her and remind her that she cost him some money by delaying that commercial break. She pretty much rolls her eyes through it and then tells Layla to go congratulate Chris. Why Layla? Because she’s Chris’s anchor producer now, that’s why!

We are blessed with one last JDR cameo— “Sybil Reynolds didn’t just step in it, she danced a fox trot”— before we cut to an emergency board meeting where HOLLAND TAYLOR is quickly removed via a vote of no confidence. Cory makes the rookie mistake of watching in the hall like a creep, then runs back to his office to get in touch with Paul. It should be noted that he RUDELY interrupts Kyle, who is hard at work on a screenplay. Of course I transcribed it for you!

INT. FUNERAL HOME - NIGHT

NATE searches for SHERYL after she ran from the service. He finds her outside the bathroom.

NATE: Mom, mom. It’s okay. It’s okay.

SHERYL: You don’t understand. That woman is here.

I believe in you Kyle!

“I don’t care if he is back on that rocket and I don’t care if that rocket has reached Jupiter! You will charter me transport to Jupiter! You will get me an Uber Comet!” Thankfully the assistant mafia has spotted Paul in SoHo. “Oh! That’s closer.” He heads off to find his man, but is barred from entering by Tig Notaro, whose name is allegedly “Amanda.” That is easily the most ridiculous name The Morning Show could have chosen to give her, and I am forced to honor that bonkers choice by using it. Amanda notes that Cory is looking rather peppy, perhaps he has been “recharged after sleeping in his coffin all day?” Good burn! Paul is not expecting Cory, but he pops out to break his heart anyway. The thing is, he wanted to buy a legacy media company with brand safety, not the shit show that uba has become. He’s moving on, and Cory is forced to walk the cobbled streets of SoHo alone and heartbroken.

This is the heartbreak hotel!

Inexplicably Famous Guest Stars, Ranked:

JUNE DIANE RAPHEL: 22/10 - Literally perfect, she deserves an Oscar for this, I have no notes.

NECKLACE WATCH

No Bradley this episode, but Alex is still rocking that chain! What does it mean!?