And we are back at it again folks! Apologies again for the delay on this one, next week I will return to the typical on Thursday morning schedule. It was simply too nice out this weekend to trap myself inside! Also this is out of the kindness of my heart and free, so…deal. Anyway, we left on quite a cliffhanger, so let’s get right back to it!
Isn’t the point of having a dick that you can throw it around?
You might recall that Bradley, Cory and Paul were in SPACE, reporting on the wonders of the universe and the weirdly sexual vibes between Cory and Paul. But before she can really get into it, the feed drops. LE GASP. The control room at TMS is in chaos, Stella is wearing a blazer I would simply die for, Mia is barking commands at everyone in the vicinity, and then Bradley pops back on screen, still rambling about the wonder of Earth. Classic Morning Show stuff here— set up a hugely dramatic event that resolves itself in seconds.
Cory, for his part, is dedicated to resolving this “disaster” in seconds as well, at least from a PR angle. Paul is pissed that the broadcast made his rocket look unreliable, which, like, I guess? I mean, I can’t get my Zoom to work sometimes in my own Earth bound home, it doesn’t seem like the most shocking thing in the world that space has a bad signal? Also, he’s pissed that Alex dipped, because she is so powerfully famous that the feed wouldn’t dare to drop out on her. She was supposed to make space look safe and appealing!!! How dare she!
On the tarmac, Bradley is texting Luna, who has had her charges dropped, and wants Bradley to leave her the hell alone. Alex and Chip saunter onto the plane, and Cory cheerfully drags her. “Ah, we found a flight Alex doesn’t want to skip.” The blondes gather, as they must, reporting back on their various Texas experiences. Alex wasn’t allowed to see Luna, and Bradley thinks Paul is an asshole. “Yeeeah,” Alex says, like she is not currently consumed with desire. Then the scene ends. Kay!
HOLLAND TAYLOR is having dinner with Alex in her penthouse as I scan through my email for the invite I am certain Alex and/or Holland sent. But alas, I am unable to find it, so I must settle for watching the girlies have their Girl Boss Summit without me. Alex is filling HOLLAND TAYLOR in on the Paul Marks of it all, potentially buying uba, the deals, etc. “These men just think they are masters of the universe, and um, it just—it pisses me off.” Obviously the only master of the universe here is Alex herself! She wants it all, and how dare these MEN block her from having everything! HOLLAND TAYLOR is still pissed at Alex for not doing her job, and apparently so is Proctor & Gamble. And I have to give up to Alex for gagging HOLLAND TAYLOR a bit, with her actual knowledge of the FTC and the repercussions of the trade deal. HOLLAND TAYLOR will handle this Alex, don’t you worry.
After a quick shot of Alex on TMS with Christina, we cut to the boardroom, where HOLLAND TAYLOR is demanding that Cory punish Alex for her little stunt. “Isn’t the point of having a dick that you can throw it around?” HOLLAND TAYLOR asks Cory, who promptly responds: “You’re thinking of a frisbee.” King of comedic timing! Stella points that ratings go up when Alex is on TMS, so maybe her punishment should be to be on five days a week until upfronts. The goon squad agrees. So let it be written, so let it be done.
Down at the teacup, Bradley pops in to talk about her space experience with Alex and Christina, and something buggy happens to the prompter. But the three of them are pros, so they vamp while the control room tries to figure out what’s going on. I am happy to report that Mia still can’t stand Chip, as she is a woman of taste and substance. They try to reboot the prompter, but then the doors of the control room lock, and none of their cards work. Is this an active shooter? Is that the protocol when there is someone the building? They try to call down to see what the fuck is going on, but the line is dead. They can’t cut to commercial because comms are dead, and then the all the lights go out. Everyone is panicking, and look, we all know I am here to lovingly make fun of this show, but this well done! It’s tense and scary and the stakes are understandable. “Remember when they sent that pipe bomb to YDA right after the election?” Bradley asks. Excuse me????? What a wild a little bit of information to drop with no follow up! Someone tried to bomb Mindy Kailing’s rival show???????? I am begging for more info!!!!
Talent is ushered to Alex’s dressing room—well, Christina and Alex are, anyway. Bradley, who is addicted to being an idiot, takes it upon herself to go with Chip to see if they can figure out what is going on. Not even an unknown threat can keep her from finding the truth! This crack investigative duo decides to GET INTO THE ELEVATOR, where they immediately get trapped. Bradley realizes they just might have fucked up. “Oh my god, this was a bad idea.” YA THINK??
On the plus side, being trapped in Alex’s dressing room gives us a nice little moment of character development for Christina. She calls her husband, and has sweet conversation with him and her young daughter. There is a helpful shot focusing on Alex while this happens, basically a neon sign over her head that says “THIS BITCH IS ALONE!!!!” She doesn’t even bother trying her hellbeast of a daughter. Christina hangs up, panicking a bit, but in that way where your brain finally understands something is wrong, but your emotions just slowly starting to realize it. Alex, in a shocking moment of what can only be described as human kindness, puts an arm around her. “I know, I know. We’re okay. It’s gonna be okay.” It has to be said: this is hot to me.
Suddenly, the lights come back up. And the system starts blasting “Hard in Da Paint.” Taste! This wasn’t a shooter, this was HACK!!!!!!!! The hackers start releasing some QUITE confidential info to the staff, most notably performance reviews. Rena is pissed to find that she “doesn’t show initiative,” nor does she respond to criticism well. I hate to side with “bullshit HR” but…I do. Rena sucks! Sorry! Cory is berating Victor, who I guess is the Tech Man at uba, because the film slate is at risk here! But bigger than the film slate is a leaked video of Bradley. A SEXY video of Bradley, sent to Laura while she was on run. Hugely a bummer!
In the elevator of horrible ideas, Bradley asks Chip what it’s like to be Alex’s whipping boy, and he asks what it’s like to be annoying as fuck. Gagged her a bit! The elevator starts working again, and they are free. So just to be clear, they got stuck in there for literally no narrative reason. Cool! Bradley heads up to Cory’s office, where Laura, Stella and Cory are waiting for her. They break the bad news about her sexy video, and that the hackers want fifty million to not release the video. As they are planning what to do, Cory gets another text— a recording of the meeting they are currently having. Actually scary stuff! Bradley goes to puke (hugely fair) and Laura tries to comfort her, but she just needs to be alone. It should be noted, for posterity, that Laura is serving Tár (2022) here, hard.
You will never guess who is ready to spin the story of uba getting hacked as proof they are a bastion of free speech and democracy. lmao of course you know it’s Cory. Stella is still too focused on fixing the problem to go with him on his narrative journey, but tells him there is a board meeting later. He then calls Paul, I guess because…he’s a tech billionare and he theoretically could have hacked uba to make their stock tank and get himself a better deal? Go off Succession! This call is mostly important because it allows Paul to say “How was work, dear?” and Cory calls him sweetheart. I am sorry to report there are still no fanfics about them.
Stella is collecting every piece of technology the staff has. If it was ever connected to the wifi at uba, it is compromised. Everyone is pissed and freaked out, but Stella has bigger fish to fry— it’s time to punish Alex! She will be doing TMS five days a week, and HOLLAND TAYLOR has already signed off. So much for making allies over dinner! Mia steps into her office and calls her handsome (boyfriend? husband?) who is in the Ukraine (?) doing…something. (???) He’s going to look into it, maybe? I don’t know who this man is, so I am hard pressed to care!
Bradley goes to Cory and reminds him about THE THING THEY DID. It could come out in the hack, and then they’d both be fucked. She wants him to pay the ransom. WHAT DID THEY DO PLEASE JUST TELL ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. In the hall, Yanko stops Stella to let her know that he has certain “preferances” that might affect his ability to co-anchor. “So you can’t report on the housing market because you’re into what, strap-ons?” LOL. Oh, also he has a running joke about Stella where he calls her CBS: Child Bridge of Satan. Except the “C” actually stands for Cunt. I think, they don’t actually specify. Good talk!!!!
In her office, Alex is yelling at Doug because she will NOT be doing TMS five days a week. How dare the network try to punish her for not doing her job! Bradley pops in, she just needs a quick little favor, you see. Might Alex be able to convince the board to pay the ransom? She does not say “because I have a sex tape that could get leaked,” but instead goes for the blondes helping blondes slash sisterhood angle. “Did you fuck a predator? No, you didn’t. I think you are gonna be fine,” says Alex, our Patron Saint of Caring. uba didn’t help her with Maggie’s book (because that was actual reporting done by a journalist, and not a random hack of sensitive info, but you know Alex can’t think like that.) so fuck em! Fuck em all! Sure, uba didn’t protect Alex, but Bradley did. FOR THE SISTERHOOD OF BLONDES!!!
The board meeting is underway, and Stephen Fry is here?????????? HUH? Cory is passionately making a case for paying the ransom, and HOLLAND TAYLOR is like bro are you fucking dumb??? They don’t have the money to pay the ransom because uba+ plundered their reserves. The hackers have some very serious unreleased material, some pilots and “the Chris Pine” thriller. Please, please please I am begging for this season to end at the premiere of said thriller. I need more information about this movie as soon as possible! HOLLAND TAYLOR points out that paying this ransom could make them more vulnerable to other attacks. Not to mention that the hackers are probably Russian, so uba would be funding Russia’s war on the Ukraine. As much as I love Cory and don’t want Bradley to have to deal with leaked sex tape, HOLLAND TAYLOR is making a good case here. Stephen Fry agrees with me. “Thus spake the Iron Lady,” he says. I am left to assume that is a follow up to Jenny Schecter’s Thus Spoke Sarah Schuster, and will be released by HarperCollins next year. Cory hopes that HOLLAND TAYLOR feels okay about all her private communications being leaked, and HOLLAND TAYLOR is like oh shut up and go blow your boyfriend Paul.
In Alex’s home office, Chip and Bisexual Isabella are packing up Alex’s computer, and Bisexual Isabella is complaining that no one takes her seriously. “Director of Development? What is that even?” Point to her, I have no idea what that means! Nor do I really know anything about her! But that is all about to change, as Chip decides they have to tell Alex, because she is gonna find out anyway. Tell her what, I wonder, seconds before they start making out. WHAT????? The last time I watched these two people have a conversation without Alex was when Bisexual Isabella was ranting that Chip sucked because he is just another mediocre white guy. (True!) Now they are dating??? What a difference two years can make!
Back at uba, Stella is telling Bradley that NBN (who???) is going to release the hacking story in the morning, which means uba needs to release the story tonight. They won’t be jumped by another network on this!
Alex comes home to find Chip and Isabella about to fuck in her home office. She, understandably, freaks out, and freaks out even more upon learning that they have been together for almost A YEAR???? “This is gonna be great for my trust issues,” is Alex’s first take, which LOL. She beelines right for the emergency freezer Stoli. It seems to fix her, because suddenly she is like well you just gotta find love and this is so beautiful and they should get dinner and then she wraps them in a big hug. The gruesome twosome beg off dinner (smart) and hit the bricks. Alex cries at her counter with her big old bottle of Stoli. I am left wondering what the fuck just happened.
Bradley pulls herself together to report on the hack, and tbh she does a pretty good of it. We get a quick shot of Laura watching, which is only important because Laura looks incredible. Up in Cory’s office, he’s stress drinking with Stella, who warns him about “these tech guys.” She comes from that world, and they are “different beasts.” She says this like Cory is at all a normal person, but thanks for the heads up! Also, this will come out in the emails, but Stella was dating Blake Griffin last year. Brag! She takes off, Cory calls Earl and tells him to work up a deal with Paul Marks and leak it to the street. He will get his deal and his man, so help us god!
Our dramatic end montage is set to H.E.R’s “Glory,” possibly the first time I have heard H.E.R in a non awards show setting. Mia takes a shower and seems to be living at the office, Stella gets her phone back and looks at an old photo of herself and Paul Marks. Seems like someone knows more than she is letting on! Alex goes over to Bradley’s to apologize with a bottle of wine. Laura told her about the video, and she can’t believe Bradley didn’t say anything! Bradley is like well you were a massive cunt, with the whole did you fuck a predator thing and shockingly Alex agrees and apologizes for being an asshole. “Honey, crisis management is my speciality. Lemme help you through this.” Uhhhhh, not to be a bitch Alex, but the last time we watched you “manage” a crisis, you dipped to Maine for a six months, terrorized Marcia Gay Harden in a Las Vegas hotel room and then flew to Italy in a pandemic. Here’s to hoping Bradley runs whatever plan Alex comes up with by literally any other human person on earth!
The Twist
Inexplicably Famous Guest Stars, Ranked:
STEPHEN FRY: 5/10 - Props for surprising me, cause I never would have predicted his appearance, but he doesn’t do much! Give us more next time!
NECKLACE WATCH 2023
Because I watched the first batch of screeners with a gaggle of equally unwell homosexuals, we noticed that Alex and Bradley are wearing…matching necklaces? It has yet to be commented on, but what kind of fanfic writing faggot would I be if I did not track this development?
🚨🆘 I paused a podcast midway to bring you Very Important News! TIG NOTARO reminded everyone on her (queer thruple) podcast that TIG NOTARO and STEPHANIE ALLYNNE's movie for Netflix where TIG would have played First Wife to Jennifer Aniston's POTUS is no longer being made. Soooo just think about **this** henceforth when watching The Morning Show.
go to @26:30 mark https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/handsome/id1702258458?i=1000627576117